From food systems to storytelling, rites of passage to strategy, I wondered what was happening underneath the films and slide decks I was creating. Clients saw themselves reflected back in the films we made, ‘Oh, that’s who we are!’ I became curious about what they saw, and what was now possible from this glimpse. 

I’ve tried a few things. My forays were authentic, yet many of my choices were driven by the desire to make someone else happy and a belief that I wasn’t able to make it my own. 

Untended wounds limited how I saw myself and treated others. I believed I needed to be with and work with powerful people, lacking the felt sense of power within. I pulled and pushed. I lost my dad, an original source of this force in my life. I got married and divorced. I started and stepped away from a company. I tiptoed along the threshold to go my own way, waiting to have more skills, more security, more resources, anything to protect me from the terrifying sweet dark unknown. 

I now see that I was on the river the whole time. My soul was pulling me along, albeit underwater, my throat frequently clenched. I heard songs of love from friends and family along the shore, but not ready to hear what they heard in me. Like any skill, learning to swim in the river of one’s own life is a practice. Leadership is a practice. Purpose is a practice. 

Friends reminded me to keep swimming. But blessed with genes that allowed my body to move with ease I expected purpose to flow with Olympic perfection off the couch. 

Movement and the effort that sustains it worked its magic. I went on my own rite-of-passage alongside the 13 year olds I was training myself to support. I tried out another therapist. I found stability in a men's group. I sought the support of a coach and five get-to-know-ya coffees later, committed to the journey that I’m still on.

I accepted the ingredients I was working with and decided to cook the feast.

My relationship to power shifted. I started to see myself with the love and beauty that others saw in me. I accepted myself as powerful, and the responsibility to serve that comes with it. I’ve grappled with my whiteness and the false assumptions of supremacy that come with it. I grieved the ways I led myself astray. I learned to be the loving parent to my wild teenage fire, the big brother for my little boy, the counsel of my own wise uncle. I use the past tense but these are all works in progress.

I learned to wake up from restless nights and watch the infinite potential of a new day unfold. I learned to watch this potential was alive in me too. Tears like fresh dew glisten as I write this story with you. 

It’s from this place I extend an invitation.

What’s your leadership story?